


Letting Go

by MelinyaValerian



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Multi, focussed on friendships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-12
Updated: 2018-06-12
Packaged: 2019-05-20 15:06:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14896830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MelinyaValerian/pseuds/MelinyaValerian
Summary: When Kaidan returns to the Normandy after the failed coup on the Citadel, there are a lot of things he has to set right following his long absence. Some of these broken things are easier to repair than others, though.





	Letting Go

„Hey Commander, we just entered the Newton System. ETA on Ontarom 10 minutes“, he says over the comm.

He gets a „Roger that“ from Shepard in return, and next to him, EDI gets off her seat. Shepard’s requested EDI’s presence on this mission, and so, the cockpit will be his and his alone for the next few hours. Not that he’s looking forward to it, having EDI there is really, really good for his morale, and not having her there physically has started to feel odd a good while ago.

„I will be joining the landing party in the Shuttle Bay, then, Jeff“, says EDI.

But before she can leave, the door to the cockpit opens. Joker half anticipates Shepard, and doesn’t turn around on his chair. He’s also pretty busy with getting them to the drop-off zone undetected, and only spares the surveillance monitors a short glance.

But isn‘t that Shepard in the elevator?

„Hey, thought I could take over the co-piloting while EDI’s not there“, says the voice of Kaidan Alenko, no _Major_ Kaidan Alenko of course, and Joker doesn’t even try to pretend he doesn’t roll his eyes.

„Hello Kaidan“, says EDI pleasantly. „Though your offer is appreciated, there is no actual need for a co-pilot while the Normandy remains in the orbit of Ontarom. And in emergency cases, my software is still installed in the ship’s main system. I can take over should the need arise.“

„You see, we’ve got everything covered“, Joker says curtly, thankful for EDI being EDI.

Of course, it’s childish, and Shepard wouldn’t like it, but he’s not fond of the idea of having to talk to Kaidan.

Because that’s just the approximately tenth try of Kaidan to get them talking, next to two invitations to a poker round together with James and an invitation to drinks on the Citadel. Of course, he’s not accepted any of them.

Kaidan, however, is persistent. „Call me nostalgic, EDI, but I’ve been doing a bit of co-piloting myself during my days on the old Normandy. I’d just like to, you know. Reminisce a bit about the old days, refresh old skills. Haven’t been in a cockpit for a while. So, humor me.“

„You are … refreshing your memory by retaking a former position?“, EDI asks, now all curious.

„You could say that“, says Kaidan.

„If that is the case, you may of course take over the co-pilot’s seat for the moment“, says EDI, and Joker sighs loudly.

It doesn’t escape EDI, of course, and he feels her visual sensors on him; it’s like as if half the cockpit is staring at him.

„Are there any concerns, Jeff?“, she asks.

„Yeah, and a whole lot of them“, he gives back. „Kaidan could mess with the customisation of your seat, and you’d have to get the settings straight again, later.“

Kaidan clears his throat. He notices Joker’s avoidance, of course he does. It’s a bit of a miracle that he hasn’t pulled rank yet and ordered a talk to happen.

Though, Joker has to admit, that isn‘t Kaidan’s style. At least it wouldn’t have been, years ago.

„That will not be a problem. I have them all stored in my memory core“, replies EDI, and Joker isn’t sure if he’s more disappointed that his easy way out didn’t work, or surprised that EDI keeps her seat settings stored in her memory core. „And I need to leave now, Shepard and Garrus have already entered the Shuttle Bay. Goodbye, Jeff. Kaidan.“

„See you, EDI“, he says after her, and as the door closes, he is alone with Kaidan.

It won’t help his mood, but maybe it’s better they just get over with it. „Come on, seat’s yours. Go on and do your ‚reminiscing‘-thing. But don’t play around with the buttons, we’ve gotten a few upgrades since last time you sat there. Oh wait“, he adds sarcastically, can’t stop himself. „You haven’t ever _actually_ sat there. Was the old model a few _years_ ago, my bad.“

„Yeah, I … never had the honour“, Kaidan says, rather quietly. He doesn’t take the bait, it’s a bit frustrating.

Joker hears steps on the ground behind himself until Kaidan turns up in his peripheral vision and sits down in EDI’s chair. Joker decides to ignore him, though a little voice that sounds simultaneously like Shepard and Dr Chakwas in his head reminds him that he won’t be able to do that forever, and that it isn’t a very wise thing to do anyway, or a particularly grown-up behaviour. But everytime he sees Kaidan, he remembers the last few years and the anger that has just started to vanish grows stronger again.

There’s a quiet as Joker manoeuvers the Normandy into the drop-off zone for the shuttle and prepares the ship for the stand-by during the mission. Kaidan is doing as Joker asked, doesn’t touch anything but curiously looks over the panels and surveillance screens.

„I’ve got to admit, she’s really impressive“, says Kaidan when Joker has the ship on stand-by. „The drive core output, new stealth systems… though she’s also pretty big, isn’t she.“

Joker contemplates his answer for about a tenth of a second, but Kaidan’s talking about the Normandy, and he likes talking about his ship. Can’t hurt to answer.

„Yeah, about twice as large“, Joker returns. „And heavy. Garrus thinks it’s because they didn’t have Turians on board to co-design this one, but I believe The Illusive Man just needs it big, you know. Like those guys on the Citadel who buy a big space car after retirement to compensate.“

„We better not follow that metaphor any further, the implications are bit… unpleasant“, says Kaidan and chuckles a little. „Atmospheric flight doesn’t work at all?“

„Not on any planet you’d want to visit, believe me. That’s why we’ve got Steve now“, Joker says. It’s more or less easy small talk, more or less. „But, on the plus side, acceleration’s got a lot more boom now and look at those chairs! Ergonomic design and leather!“

„They’re pretty comfortable, I agree“, Kaidan gives back. As if to support this, he turns around on the chair a bit, leans back into it fully. „Makes a big difference, I guess. All those technical changes, I mean.“

„Definitely different from all the Alliance ships I’ve been on. Though after all the retrofits, it’s another story again“, Joker says. It’s an okay conversation so far, and he leans back into his own chair, too; no hand on the panels, just looking at the monitors and screens.

„And now you’ve probably got the most accurate co-pilot in the galaxy“, says Kaidan. His voice is as usual when he’s in business-mode; all calm and neutral; though the cockpit is still not large enough for the massive elephant that’s right behind them.

He’s not angry right now, at least not as much as usually. He’s seen Kaidan in the elevator a few days back, taking it up to the Captain’s cabin about 10 minutes after Shepard. He knows they’ve been on a date on the Citadel, too. They’re already over the last two years, and over their Mexican standoff during the attack on the Citadel.

And damn, if Joker can still pick up on Kaidan’s business-mode after more than two years, that’s somehow sad.

„And the sexiest co-pilot“, Joker gives back, but the stuff in the back of his mind distracts him.

Kaidan hides a snort behing a cough. „Well yeah, but I’ve got to admit seeing that body back in action was a bit of a shock.“

„Try asking me about that!“, Joker says. „First the Normandy’s going haywire and EDI’s nowhere to be found, and when she comes back, she’s in that body, coming out of the AI core with smoke for extra-effect because the guys from maintenance used fire extinguishers to put out the burning servers behind her! Better than a Hollywood movie!“ He’s got a copy of the surveillance material from that day, safely stored on his privat drives.

When Kaidan only chuckles mildly, he feels a bit caught, though. „I mean, yeah. You’ve actually been beat up by that body, my bad.“ And he finds that this time, he means it.

It’s just so easy to lose track of things when he’s talking about something that makes him enthusiastic. And Kaidan never shows any signs of apprehension around EDI, he’s not even on his guard anymore.

But Joker remembers that day on Mars, of course. Back then, Horizon didn‘t exist for a while.

Maybe it’s really time they get past it. Or better, _he_ gets past it, because damn does he know he’s the only one carrying a grudge here. Though he also doesn’t deny that Kaidan would have the right to feel a grudge, too.

But before Joker can make good on his new resolution and actually try to speak about that big elephant behind them, Kaidan gets up from EDI’s chair and turns around.

„I guess I’ve been distracting you long enough“, he says. Calmly, pleasantly, but still in business-mode. „Thanks for letting me do that ‚reminiscing‘-thing, it’s been good.“

„I thought you wanted to talk“, Joker finds himself saying, a little too confused to keep it back.

„Well, I tried to. Ten times. But you’re not going to let this go anyway, are you? Whatever I try to explain. And maybe you’re right, and I shouldn’t even try to mend things because I’ve been a fool on Horizon, I’m not going to deny that. But I need to make sure we can still talk, and might it be about something trivial, because we still need to work together for this mission.“

„And for Shepard“, Joker says quietly.

„And for her, yeah“, Kaidan replies. „Well… see you around.“

…

He’s wanted to shoot all of the Normandy’s well-calibrated cannons at Kaidan back then on Horizon. For nearly two years, before Cerberus, he and Kaidan avoided each other because of all the mess – of _course_ , Joker knew that he and Shepard were more than friends. With all the Normandy’s surveillance systems at his disposal, there was hardly anything he’s missed (though some things that he’s _decided_ to miss, anyway). And after… after Shepard died, Joker knew it was his fault. His idiocy of not being able to let go of his ship, and that was hard enough to live with all on its own. He didn’t need the feeling that his fault also ruined the life of one of his friends; he had seen how Kaidan crumbled inwardly, while outwardly keeping a calm face. But that feeling was there anyway, and it stayed with him all those two years.

So when Shepard came back, when she was suddenly there again… it didn’t matter that it was Cerberus, because _Shepard_ was all that mattered. And somehow, Joker expected that Kaidan saw it the same way, that he’d be happy to have Shepard back, but then…

Then Horizon happened, and Kaidan’s words tore Shepard apart. And if there’s an easy way for anyone to make sure that Joker gets angry and the Normandy’s weapons ready, it’s to break Shepard; who’s saved the Galaxy more than once and saved his life, also probably more than just that one time in the last seconds of his first ship.

And with Kaidan back on board back in Vancouver, all those thoughts have come back. That Kaidan’s turned his back on them on Horizon. That he hasn’t been there for the derelict reaper. That he hasn’t been there for the suicide mission. Also, that he hasn’t been there for Shepard.

It’s stupid, and childish, but it’s hard to let go. He knows that Tali and Garrus felt the same way about Kaidan after Horizon. Garrus more so than Tali because he’s actually been in the shore party back then and had some choice words with Kaidan. But in contrast to Joker, Garrus _also_ decided to not make it harder on anyone and keep it cool with Kaidan, and Tali has actively tried to mend things via a mutual geeking out over omni-tools and threatening Kaidan with her shotgun should he hurt Shepard again.

Maybe he can’t do that; but maybe it’s time to stop avoiding Kaidan altogether.

It’s two days later when they’re on a longer journey that he decides that it’s been going on for too long already.

„Hey EDI, can you take over for a few hours?“, he says to his co-pilot.

„It is not yet your sleeping time, Jeff“, she answers. „Are you feeling well?“

„Yeah, I’m fine, thanks. I just need to… talk to someone.“

She doesn’t ask more, just looks at him observantly.

Joker leaves the cockpit, takes the elevator and makes his way towards the Starboard Observation Lounge.

Kaidan’s there, as usual, reads something on a datapad but looks up when the door opens.

„Joker?“, he says, just a tiny bit surprised before his features slip into business-mode. „Can I help you? Could’ve called me on the comm.“

„Yeah, I could’ve“, Joker replies, comes closer and sits down on one of the sofas. „But that wouldn’t do the trick. You know I hate to admit it, but you’re right, I’m not going to let this go. The big elephant that’s always in the room with us; Horizon. But I’ve got a few hours now while EDI gets us to the next Mass Relay and I haven’t played Poker in a while.“

Kaidan looks at him, his business-mode melting into a grin. „Alright, I’m going to call James.“

**Author's Note:**

> I initially wrote this as a prompt challenge, and it turned out quite good, I think. What I liked so much about ME3 when compared to its predecessors is that your crewmates talked amongst each other, spend time together in between missions. I always found it interesting how Joker reacted/ would deal with Horizon and Kaidan's return, and this is what came out of the speculations.  
> I might return to this sometime later and go into more detail about Kaidan fixing things with Garrus and Tali. After how Garrus reacted on Horizon and later on the Citadel, I'm actually quite interested in writing that scene.


End file.
